Blog

August 28, 2018

After my husband ended his life I felt like life was over. I thought things were always going to be awful and I would never be able to move forward. I will never say that things are “better” without Brett, but I will say that SASS-MoKan – Suicide Awareness Survivor Support has taught me how to cope and manage my grief in healthier ways. Brett’s suicide has left a hole inside of me forever, but with SASS support I know that I don’t have to remain down in that hole and that it’s ok to find purpose, meaning, and happiness again. Looking forward to group tonight.

http://www.sass-mokan.com

 

August 25, 2018

Widows of suicide unite! Great day to raise mental health awareness and suicide prevention at the Cosplay For Hope walk. Thank you April Roller and Erica Williams for inviting me to host an author’s table for my children’s book Goodnight Mr. Vincent Van Gogh and to pass out information on SASS-MoKan – Suicide Awareness Survivor Support and Through This Together. Hate how we met, but I’m glad we found each other.
#postventionisprevention
#abovetherugCosplay For Hope

August 13, 2018

Brett’s mother died last week and I did not go to the funeral today. Not because I didn’t want to..quite the contrary.

Some people mistakingly say she was my ex-mother-in-law, but my husband died of suicide..we did not get a divorce. She was my former mother-in-law, but even after Brett died I always felt like they were still my parents. I tried to make things work. I invited them over to the house, to lunch, gave them things of Brett’s, took pictures of Brett’s garden and sent them on Mother’s Day, and would remember to reach out on special occasions and the anniversary of Brett’s death (though I don’t like to call that an anniversary). It was always me reaching out, never the other way around. I learned in my support group that people grieve differently, so I continued reaching out..hoping we could continue a relationship.

About a year ago was the last time I spoke with his stepdad. My former father-in-law’s last words to me were, “We do not want to know anything you have found out about Brett, Lindsey. We want to keep our memories of him the way they were. Take care.” I felt a lot of mixed feelings…mainly hurt, but was hopeful that one day they would return. I stopped reaching out at that point to give space.

Last week, I asked a family member to ask my former father-in-law if it was ok for me to come to the hospital where he was at, after she had died. I wanted to be there for him. I was 2 minutes away from the hospital when the family member informed me that my former father-in-law did not want to interact with me at this time. Today was her funeral and I did not go because I do not feel welcomed, I didn’t want to cause more stress on the family, I feel abandoned, and lots of deep hurt. I don’t even know what she died from..

What did I do wrong? Is it because I speak up on suicide prevention and don’t want others to go through what I have? I was their daughter too and I feel abandoned in so many ways. I was hurt in so many ways. I really don’t want people to comment on this post to tell me what they think the parents are feeling…I’m telling you what a former daughter-in-law feels like..what it feels like to be a widow of suicide. Sometimes I feel like a contagious disease that a lot of people do not want to be around. Brett’s police department abandoned me, his parents..and yes, sometimes I struggle that Brett did the same too.

My former mother-in-law was a very giving, eccentric, loving person who was in a lot of hurt after her son’s suicide. She is hurting no longer. Today I wanted to wear the necklace she gave me after Brett and I married, but I couldn’t quite get it around my neck this morning. Glad I’m at work today.

August 7, 2018

Thank you Prevent Suicide PA, EveryDayMatters, and R.Y.A.N. (Remember You’re Always Needed) for donating prevention resources to the art exhibit, Faces After Suicide! I will make sure to add your resources tomorrow to the exhibit at the Leedy-Voulkos Art Center. Viewers are listening..and it doesn’t matter that resources or viewers are from out of state or country. People are seeing that wherever they are, organizations care and they can get help if they are in need

resources

August 4, 2018

At 6:30pm tonight I’ll be doing an author signing for my book, “Goodnight Mr. Vincent Van Gogh,” to support R.Y.A.N. (Remember You’re Always Needed). Linda’s son Ryan ended his life at the age of 18 and she is passionately working on suicide prevention by holding a soccer game at Scheels soccer complex. All donations are going to www.everydaymatters.com. You will see me with the SASS-MoKan – Suicide Awareness Survivor Support table. Hope to see you there! #postventionisprevention #abovetherug

Ryan 2