April 25, 2018

Today would have been my late husband’s 38th birthday, but Brett will remain 34 forever. Before he ended his life, 3 days before his birthday, he talked a great deal on what he wanted to do on that day. I remember him talking about eating at several different sushi joints and wanting to spend the whole day together. I had bought him a beautiful glittery card with the painting of “The Kiss” by Gustav Klimt on the front. I never got a chance to write what I had wanted. I wanted to write how proud I was of him for going to marriage counseling sessions and that I felt like that “silver lining” our counselor had talked about was upon us. That I forgave him, that I couldn’t wait to move forward, and that I loved him so much, that I have always loved him for the last 17 years. Instead, I placed that card in his hands to be cremated with him. Happy Birthday Brett…if I get a chance tonight I’ll try and drink some hot sake.

the kiss

April 22, 2018

Suicide Letter
My late husband, Brett Doolittle, lost hope on April 22nd, 2015…three years ago. He attempted on his life on January 6th, four months prior to his suicide. He left me this letter three days later on our bed…this is his suicide note and I had no idea until after he died. As he held onto life those last months, he would refer to this letter several times before he ultimately wrapped one of our white trash bags around his head, tying it tight with his black police shoe lace, and filling it with a full red helium tank through a hose that he purchased at Party City. If you are someone who’s hurting, know that you are not alone and there is hope for help. You might think you are a burden to others or that others will be better off without you…but it is not true. You will unknowingly drag them down in the dark ominous hole you feel trapped in…they won’t stay down there for months or a couple of years…they will be down in that hole forever without you. Please look deep inside yourself and reach out for help. Call a friend, seek a counselor, go to the ER, or phone the suicide prevention line at 1-800-273-8255. I have called that number…they are so helpful. This is important for me to share because I did the best I could and now it is my job to do my best for others.


April 19, 2018

It’s not every day you get to wake up at 5:30 am to workout with an inspiring documentary film maker, author, suicide prevention activist, and someone who you personally look up to and admire…thanks for kicking my ass this morning Kevin Hines needed it


April 14, 2018

Next week I’ll be traveling to Washington DC to do an author signing at the American Association of Suicidology‘s 51st Annual Conference. It couldn’t come at a more better time seeing how the 3rd year of my late husband’s suicide is approaching. It will be good for me to get away, but it really doesn’t matter where I go because Brett and April 22nd always travels with me. Hopefully in meeting some of the conference’s activists and advocates who I’ve been watching their documentaries, reading their books, and collecting their articles will provide a healthy distraction for my mind.dc

April 8, 2018

Four months before Brett killed himself he asked me, “What are your top 10 favorite meals I’ve ever cooked you?” I didn’t think this was an odd question because Brett was the cook in our house and he made 5 star meals all the time. I told him that I loved everything he made, but he insisted I ranked 10 of my favorite. He made every single one of my favorites before he killed himself. Our last meal together, the night before he ended his life, was 16 oz ribeye steaks, candied carrots, and he had purchased 3 different imported cheeses I loved…in which we ate everything. I know Brett started thinking of killing himself long before I ever met him in 1998, but in hindsight, I now know that he planned his death at least 4 months ahead of time.