January 6, 2019

Four years ago today my late husband attempted on his life. Had I not turned off the cars in the garage I would be recognizing January 6th as his death date and not April 22nd. The residual of his attempt and his death replay in my head like a broken record every day.
Fours years ago I had accidentally found out that Brett was having inappropriate relationships with Kansas City Kansas Police Department – KCKPD dispatchers. He was very intoxicated and I had never seen him that upset in all 17 years we had been together. He was crying hard and his tears had soaked through the collar of his yellow t-shirt. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he loved me before he went out to the garage.
Four years ago I didn’t tell my family that he had attempted because I thought they wouldn’t want me to ever see him again. Four years ago I never called the police, because Brett was the police. I didn’t think they would believe me, if they did believe me, I thought he would lose his job, I thought Brett would be mad at me, and frankly the last year of Brett’s life I was scared of him. Instead I called his best-friend and told him what had happened. It wasn’t until after the funeral that I found out that Brett had lied to his friend and said I had exaggerated that story.
I don’t blame his friend or myself. We did the best we could with the knowledge we knew. Sometimes I don’t like the phrase “suicide prevention” because I had no control over Brett’s depression and I had no control in preventing his death from happening. Had I called the police that night, he most likely would have lied to them too. Is a police department going to believe a 16 year veteran sergeant or a wife they never met? Seeing how I’ve been treated by the department since Brett’s suicide, seeing how they hold so many stigmas.. I’m thinking they would have believed him over me.
I kept myself busy today writing lesson plans, donating clothes, ate lunch with a friend, cleaned the litter boxes, but once everything get’s done and I have time to think is when my mind begins to play that broken record again. Sorry this post is so long tonight. I just really hate January 6th.
#postventionisprevention
#itsnotyourfault
#abovetherug

Brett 1

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