December 8, 2017

NBC’s Today Show’s Savannah Guthrie asked the question, “How do you reconcile your love for someone with the revelation that they have behaved badly?” This question came after co-host Matt Lauer was accused of inappropriate sexual misconduct in the workplace last week. Since before then I have been struggling with that very same question about my late husband…her tv appearance only triggered me to think about that very question 100 more times a day then the usual 50 times a day. The difference between Mrs. Guthrie and I is that Matt Lauer was not her husband and the inappropriate behavior was not against her. My hurt is beyond hurt. I don’t think some of my family understands that statement. My hurt is beyond hurt. I could lie to you and tell you that Brett had no flaws…that his suicide came without warning…but I won’t do that…that is not the truth. How do I reconcile with Brett..the man I loved and had an unwavering trust and devotion in? I hear of people forgiving their abusers or finding “God,” but that is just not in the cards for me. I know that Brett was severely sick with clinical depression (and probably a multitude of over mental illnesses), but does that give him a pass on the various affairs he had over the span of our 17 years of being together? Does that give him a pass on the way he emotionally, mentally, and sexually abused me before he ended his own life? But really he emotionally and mentally abused me a lot longer than that. I struggle day to day and still sometimes from hour to hour on how I can reconcile..especially with the fact that our 17 years of togetherness were not always “bad.” There were many good times too…extremely good times. I’m 2 1/2 years out and I’m still struggling. When’s it going to give? My therapist brought up the term, “battered woman syndrome,” with me the other session. She told me that mental, emotional, and sexual abuse are considered domestic abuse too. Brett may have never hit me physically, but if you were able to see the other scars…I would be doused in them..inside and out. You know how I reconcile? I live life the best I can. I’m not sure if I’m doing things right, but I live on. Joan Rivers said it best in her book, Bouncing Back. Her husband Edgar ended his life. Ms. Rivers said, “Do what makes you feel happy and don’t give two shits what other people think.” Beautiful lady…