August 19, 2017

I learned some devastating information about my late husband last Sunday. My eyes still hurt and my stomach continues to be in knots. It has been difficult to process, but someone special to me in my support group reminded me to use the tools I have learned in group to help me along the way. What has helped me is to be as open and transparent with others to hopefully raise awareness, so no one will ever feel the wrath of suicide…for it is a different kind of beast for the ones closest, who are left behind. After 2 and a half years of mourning my husband, I have been informed that he was unfaithful throughout our 10-year relationship and almost 7 years of marriage. This is not an uncommon theme of widows of suicide, it’s just something that is really not talked about…but we need to notice these common threads…for they are warning signs that could lead to something far worse. The first time Brett attempted on his life was after I confronted him about his inappropriate indiscretions with dispatchers at the police department he worked with. Had I not stopped him I would be recognizing his death four months before he actually completed. I tried telling his best-friend about his attempt, but Brett assured him that I was lying and his friend trusted Brett. I do not blame his friend. Just like when a friend tried to warn me about an alleged indiscretion of Brett’s years ago…I was blinded by my love and faith in Brett…I chose not to listen. He lied, was deceitful, had multiple affairs, hid pornography, compartmentalized his life, and abused alcohol and prescription meds…these were his coping mechanisms of his depression. After I heard that Brett was molested by a secret step-father he never told me about…I can’t blame him for developing these coping tools. Part of me feels deeply betrayed by his behavior, but even a bigger chunk of me is just sad for what he endured when he was little. There were very good times between me and Brett that I try desperately to latch onto, but for as long as I’ve known him, he was a roller coaster ride…lots of ups and lots of downs. And towards the end of his life, those “downs” went deeper and deeper with fewer “ups.” He never was diagnosed with clinical depression, but he told me 4 months prior to his death that he was scared to be labeled clinically depressed. Every suicide is unique, but there are common threads. Not everyone who kills themselves was molested. Not everyone who kills themselves abuse alcohol and cheat. If you are noticing yourself or someone you care about drifting away, further from who they once were…talk to someone, surround yourself with family, go see a doctor, check yourself into a hospital, or call the suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255. I can’t even begin to describe how his suicide has affected me. I hate and love the man who murdered my husband…it rips me up inside. IMG_0077

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